On death

I should have written before now but I found it hard to put pen to paper and find the words. I don’t know whether you know but my mom died of cancer when I was 17. I think people think I will have some good advice, I wish I did. I wish I could make the pain go away and offer light at this terrible time. I wish I could write the typical ‘time will heal’ ‘it will get better’. It will but these words fall so flat and far from being an adequate response for you at this time. Death is the most incomprehensible thing to happen to us as human beings. I think it’s something that we can never truly understand or come to terms with. Time will take us further away from the rawness of it but the absence will always be there.

The absence can’t go away: your mum is so much a part of who you are and who you have become. And in this you should find comfort. She got to see you grow up and become the man you now are; she watched you follow your passions and develop them. She watched you enjoying life and I’m sure you spent many times together enjoying times and celebrations as a family. These moments and memories are priceless and will also never go away. This can bring us comfort.

I understand that she passed sooner than you had expected. The same happened with my mom and I felt so robbed that I didn’t get the long goodbye that cancer appears to offer so many families. Where was the time to do all the things we had wanted to do together, the time to say all the things we had never said? But there would never be enough time, there will never be a right time and death will never bring us a better outcome whenever it happens. We have to be strong and assure ourselves that the pure love shared between parent and child is unquestionably enjoyed and reciprocated. The love between a mother and child does not need putting into words because it just exists. You mom died embracing that love and I’m sure feeling lucky that she had enjoyed that love for so long and into adulthood. I hope one day this will bring you comfort.

I know you have such a large, amazing network of people there for you right now (a reflection of your warmth as a friend) but if you ever need an understanding ear; right now, in a few weeks, months, years, you can always write or call. Grief is an ongoing process and there is no cut off point for when we are unjustified to feel hurt and in need of another person’s understanding.

If you find it hard to share with others how you feel (I could never talk about my grief) write your thoughts down on paper. This is something I have begun to do recently and it really helps. Noone needs to read it but it helps in the process of comprehending what is happening and organizing your thoughts in such a confusing time. Just putting pen to paper and writing how you feel can be an unexpected release. It will take some time to feel comfortable doing this if you aren’t used to writing but stick at it or at least give it a try. Alternatively in nature, garden, take comfort from la madre tierra and the solace it can bring.  And hug Ramona, she is the source of so much love and joy. I miss her terribly.

I hope if this letter helps a little but if not I hope at least it has communicated that my thoughts are with you and that there is another person in a long line of others that wants to support and be there fore you should you need anything now or later on.