The One That Got Away

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/23/the-one-that-got-away-jeanette-winterson

This article is the first of several featured in the Guardian by writers sharing their experiences about 'the one that got away'.

“It is easy to imagine that if life had moved a degree in a different direction, then the one that got away would be by our side, and we would both be living happily ever after.”

This resonates with me because I increasingly have begun to think that unhappiness can often stem from living in a society where we are constantly overwhelmed by an excess of choice. This can make for great dissatisfaction with what we have and ultimately lead to a life filled with unnecessary regret. Said a different way, one contributing factor in the ability to lead happy, fulfilled lives is limiting our exposure to choice.

We must endeavour to avoid situations where we are faced with an abundance of choice, both in our day-to-day living and when making bigger, life-changing decisions. Take the example of going to a restaurant; it is far easier to decide what to have when there are only a limited number of dishes on the menu than when we are presented with a menu of 30 plus dishes. If we allow ourselves to always deliberate that we chose the wrong meal or there may be something is better around the corner be it a job, a partner, a holiday, or a home we will never find contentedness with the decisions we have made and consequently the lives we have decided to lead.

When choices have to be made it is imperative that we commit wholeheartedly to the decisions we opt for, standing by them and following through with the necessary action to ensure they are realised. If we allow ourselves to linger in doubt over whether we have made the right decision we will slowly drown in a sea of inertia, unable to fully embrace one life while avoiding action to move to another.

On relationships the writer comments “love is hard work”. This is like many things that bring us happiness and satisfaction in this world: establishing a successful career, raising children, learning to play an instruction or mastering a language. Relationships require an investment and a commitment to be able to grow and develop in order to become strong and long lasting, establish roots, and to be able to flourish. These ideals are hard for my generation to conceive living in a society where we have become accustomed to instant gratification and getting what we want when we want it.

“affairs are so exciting and attractive – none of the toil, all of the fun.” They suggest that although new love affairs offer excitement and a romanticism that can sweep us away they are often ephemeral. People quickly grow apart because they have no shared history to aid understanding of one another nor roots to ground and bind each other together in the present. For this same reason it is not uncommon to see partners returning to the person they had previously left when the charm of the fleeting affair dispels.

“In truth, the life that is ours is the one we make, and that includes our partners.” When I said to my father that he was very lucky for having found his partner his response was "no, I chose carefully that's all". Perhaps life presents us with several opportunities in which we have the chance to build a fruitful life with someone. According to this premise we should consider whom we choose at the appropriate time in our lives when we are ready to take that step and not just focus on who chooses us. Whether a potential partner is compatible with the person we have become or are in the process of becoming is more important than any romantic notion of the love we feel for that individual, their assets, and the love we measure them against.

Rather than getting swept away with a starry-eyed conception of what a long-term relationship is, we must consider things in a different light and hold ourselves accountable to the answers we uncover. With whom can I share my life? Who shares my values and beliefs? Who will support me in the decisions I make in my life, support my career and choices on having or not having a family? Who can share in my interests? Who will stand by me through difficult times? Who can I live with in a place both partners will be happy? With whom could I continue to grow and develop over time? Being honest and open with the answers that we are presented with is as important as asking the questions in the first place. Perhaps these questions and their answers are what we should be contemplating rather than fixating on whether we have in fact met 'The One' or lost 'the one that got away'.

We will never know until later down the line whether these pivotal decisions that can change our life's course in mind-blowing proportions work out the way we had hoped when we first took them. Indeed, we must not forget to celebrate the naive ideals of love that youth alone can offer and thus take our lack of experience into account before passing too harsh a judgment upon ourselves. However, there is a difference between looking back and thinking 'I made a good decision with the choices I had open to me at that time' and feeling regret over decisions inadequately thought out or decisions rashly taken.

Having led a blessed life full of adventure, diversity and change I am now confronted with difficult decisions over the course I would like my life to take that are incomparable to those of my peers or parents’. Although it is unhelpful to envy the ease in which others have found and followed their paths I lament on facing quandaries others do not have to even contemplate. I acknowledge that having so many opportunities within my grasp is a privilege; nevertheless it leaves me dumbfounded as to how I go about making what I will be able to look back on as ‘good’ decisions. I am also unsure who could offer any counsel or guidance in such a matter. I began asking some of the questions offered here a long ago but being truthful with the answers I stumble upon and knowing whether my head or my heart has been the one suggesting these answers is perhaps the harder part of all.