Note to the reader, I wrote this to help me sort out my thoughts in an attempt to move on from past events, which it has. My writing has a lot of to be desired but for the first time in my life I'm working to improve it. Try not to read too much into it or judge my overly dramatic writing too harshly for it's merely a writing exercise.

The battle appears to be ending. There is no outright winner just a reluctant acceptance of stalemate as an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness creeps in from the shadows of an untold past. Bad decisions were made by all involved, and with all the will in the world the past cannot be rewritten. If only bygones could be bygones.

After such an unnecessarily long battle how can victory ever taste sweet? ‘The bitter taste in my mouth would never allow it’ you once said- how those words resonate with me now.

The irony of this battle is that I was thrown into it unknowingly. I would never have chosen such a path yet my preferences were never part of the equation; it appears that no one considered asking the opponent. Realisation brought resentment, which closed in around me like fog over the riverbank on a cold winter's night covering so heavily I could no longer see the path ahead.

Some would say I am weak for it was I who pronounced defeat at the first hurdle when all the cards were finally laid out in front of me. The odds had not been dealt in my favour this time. The illusion of my naive youthful optimism guarded for so long shattered in an instant to expose the truth in alls its painful entirety. We are not always the masters of our fate I learned. 

I stepped aside as gracefully as the defeated party can in such a situation. Acquiescent is a fitting word. Respect was due to those brave enough to leap into uncharted territories to chase dreams filled with higher aspirations, brimming with intellect and egos to match. Courage and refrain were conjured, a last ditch attempt to finish with poise as I embraced the new hand destiny had dealt me. I let the victorious march on to their much-anticipated future and I could finally shut the door on what felt like an eternity of half-truths and unanswered questions.

Relief flooded in. I started out on my journey to a new beginning, not caring to consider those that had already jumped ship. To say my path was without its difficulties would be a lie but from an unexplained strength I never turned around to watch the course that others had taken. I don’t think I have ever exercised such self-control in my entire life.

We all know the facts that unexpectedly changed the course of this story. The tower card was my only clue but even this had not been an adequate warning to predict this outcome.

Months later, in a moment of distraction I unknowingly wandered back to the battleground, back to the door I had closed so long ago. It flung open so easily I didn’t realise the enormity of what I had done. 

How quickly ignorance can be replaced with unwanted comprehension. How quickly awareness can consume your entire being. Thought streams unraveled like the rope of an anchor plummeting towards the bottom of the ocean. Soon everything would be underwater. The identity of a stranger seeped into my life like an insipid gas filling every space, ever present yet not quite pernicious enough to kill.

This presence isn’t acknowledged nonetheless it exists and continues to pull me down. How can I free myself from something that binds me invisibly? The chains of the devil I recall on the tarot card weigh heavy on my mind. I go on chasing the shadows of an untold past as a delusional obsession consumes me. The beat of the drum sounds in the distance, a voice urges me on, ‘begin begin’.

And this was the story of how I found myself here, foolishly retracing my steps back towards to the battleground, a place that never should have been revisited. Had I forgotten the battle was already over? 

Wearily I sit down to avoid being swept away by the next tide of doubt.

I wait for clarity to come to my rescue.